The REVEREND!!!
These are his blasphemous words: "Ninjas ain't shit. Feel the fucking wrath of the COOL RANCH CHAMPION OF THE WORLD"
 

"I don't need your "real ninja" bullshit, pal. Do you see my Judo gi? DO YOUSEE MY JUDO GI? DO YOU SEE HOW RIPPED I AM? Notice I don't just have Cool Ranch, bitches, I've got COOLER RANCH. I am trained in the deadly arts of muay thai kickboxing and brazilian jiu-jitsu. Ok, so I'm still a white belt, but those classes are expensive! I can see my Jedi mind power classes are paying off in spades, though, as the effects of my mental trickery is now obvious."

REVEREND, WE WILL CRUSH YOU!